I just have to silence the voices inside my head that tell me I don’t deserve it and stop thinking every time something starts to get hard that he’s going to walk away. No more assuming he’ll lose interest or that there something wrong all with him.
I need to stop making things complicated for myself, and just let it happen.
I’m so tired of being a guy’s second best. I’m tired of being pursued and once they get a hold of me, they get bored or whatever and leave.
I just want someone who will see how wonderful I can be, despite my major flaws. Someone who actually tries to work on things with me and who I make happy as much as they make me happy. Is that really that hard? Is it too much to ask?
And if you aren’t happy with me, that’s fine because it happens. But can you do us both a favor and just tell me so we could move on? It’s better than cheating. I don’t think my heart can handle being cheated on all the time anymore. It’ll give up eventually. It’ll start thinking it’s not worth very much when in fact it is. I know deep down it is. I know that despite the heartbreaks caused from people deceiving me, I am a good person because I still get up and find solitude in the things I love. I still go out and volunteer because I know that if I dwell on the bad feeling, it’ll eventually consume my love for other things. I still sing and dance after I cry my frustration out. I still smile when I see a couple who even from a stranger’s point of view, are happy just to be with another human being who accepts them for who there are. No jealousy, just hope.
But a girl can only take so much. A girl can only be used so many times before she can’t see those beautiful things anymore and can’t see the beauty within her heart anymore.
So for the next guy that comes into my life, can you please from a human being to another human being. try not to hurt me?
Just be gentle, patient and kind. That’s all I ask.
I try really hard to be what my mama describes as making a life for myself.
She keeps telling me to get a job and to get good grades. To figure out what I want to do and stop wasting time. Sometimes, it makes me feel like I’m not getting anywhere yet I’m trying to do everything.
I wish she could understand that I’m still trying to figure things out because that’s the place I am in life. I’m in that stage where I have the ability to go where I want with no formal knowledge of what the consequences are. I guess in a way, she’s trying to guide me, and I thank her for that.
But the thing is, she can’t control the process. She doesn’t understand that I can’t magically get employers to hire me from my inexperienced resume. She can’t make me get a 4.0 GPA and she certainly can’t make me decide something that will affect the rest of my life.
I love my mama, enough to try and do everything she asks, even if it means I’m not in my happiest state. But sometimes, when I’m walking through the city on a beautiful sunny day, I can’t help but feel like I might have to disappoint her, that I might have to just do whatever makes me happy.
Because in the end, I am the one who controls where my life goes; I’m the one who knows what makes me happy.
I told Mr. Miller I needed it done by this weekend and guess what, he didn’t. My dream school and all because of him. Dammit, I’m so mad right now. I kept reminding him and he kept saying he’ll take care of it. The fuck, that’s the only thing I’m missing. I’m so angry and heartbroken.
